Grief (part 1, for you)

Loss is one of the most lonely and devastating events anyone can go through. In American culture, we rarely know how to support someone who is grieving (which is why people are often so lost for words), let alone how to support yourself through grief. In this two-part article, I will outline how to support those who are going through the gut-wrenching process of grief and how to grieve well personally.

First, a couple of notes to keep in mind. This blog post specifically refers to supporting those who have lost an immediate family member. That’s not to say losing an extended family member isn’t difficult; it’s just different. Another important thing to remember is that people grieve in many different ways. So, the suggestions outlined below aren’t the only way to go through this process healthily; it’s just another option. Lastly, grief is unfortunately a process, something to get through as the person experiencing loss learns to adapt to their new normal. As much as they want to go back to their old life, these events have forever impacted them, and their journey will most likely never be finished.

For those supporting:

Often, those who have just lost somebody are in shock. Most likely, the circumstances haven’t completely settled in yet. They might be feeling extremely overwhelmed by the multitude of decisions they must make regarding next steps with their loved one, not to mention the fatigue of making countless decisions beforehand. While your offer to help them may be well-intended,

the effort of making another decision on what they need at that moment can be exhausting for them. Letting the griever know that you’re willing to do anything for them is helpful, and they will remember that sentiment, but what’s more impactful is giving specific examples of what you are willing to do. Some concrete examples of offering help could include, “let me clean your house,” “here is some money to go watch a comedy in the movie theater,” or, “I booked you a hotel room; go get some rest, and I will watch your kids for the evening. I will see you tomorrow morning after your continental breakfast.” It doesn’t need to be extravagant; it’s simply realizing that people going through grief often don’t have any energy to care for themselves, let alone the stamina to care for other people (one of the most difficult aspects of grief). Providing a pre-considered way they can care for themselves with your support shows empathy and selflessness.

It is also important to point out that most people show their support for the person who lost a loved one within the first couple of weeks of the loss and then stop. Very few people remember to check in or provide opportunities for support throughout the coming months when the shock has worn off. It’s particularly important to continue showing support during this time because that is when the pain of loss seeps in. The grieving person is no longer numb and is having to live life without their loved one. That hurts. Checking in with them periodically can make a world of difference. Finally, it is so important to remember the anniversary of the loss. You could check in a couple of days before the anniversary or on the actual day, but likely no one else will remember or will be hesitant to bring it up. But most likely, the person who is grieving will really appreciate you reaching out and remembering their loved one.

Every relationship is unique and failing to recognize this is often where the damage can occur. Instead, share a special memory that you have of the loved one. This can be very comforting for the person going through loss because it may reveal something they never knew or affirm how special they were. If you do not know or did not have a relationship with the person who passed, simply say, “this sucks, my heart really goes out to you.” By doing so, you are acknowledging the pain that comes with loss. It also shows empathy instead of pity.

Lastly, the most helpful approach could be saying nothing at all and allowing the person to cry or talk or scream. It’s so easy for people to go into “fix-it mode” instead of creating space for a variety of different emotions to be present. Again, trying to fix the situation is only going to be frustrating and suffocating because you can’t fix the situation. Unfortunately, death is final and there’s nothing you can do to make it better. So do not try. Instead, sharing the load, offering a listening ear, and affirming what you hear them say can be the most healing kindness you can extend to them. This will be hard. You might also be uncomfortable, but you are making a difference for that person as they navigate the most painful part of life.

Grief can be one of the most taboo topics in society, and there are limited resources to help those who want to help others through those difficult times. The most crucial aspect to keep in mind is to place yourself in their shoes. Ask yourself, “if I were them, what would I appreciate or not appreciate?” or “What would be important for me to share or keep to myself?” Oftentimes, people who are grieving want someone to show up. To see words in action. To not go through the pain in isolation. To know someone else cares.

If you are having a difficult time supporting someone through loss or have experienced a loss yourself, please reach out. We are here to hold the space of these difficult emotions and experiences. We want to help share the burden of this pain. You do not have to go through it alone.

Another huge aspect of supporting someone through grief is knowing what to say to the person. Some people may try to relate on some level of knowing what the person is going through. The fact of the matter is every single relationship is different. Just because you have also lost the same family member does not mean that you know what it’s like for that person.